I concur with a lot in this article and research. I, too, notice in many of my straight male clients that they care very much if their female partners orgasm. This article and the associated research tell us there's a lot wrapped up in that experience for men when a woman comes:
- the man has an enhanced sense of his masculinity and confidence
- he thinks he's perceived as a skilled lover and therefore she might want to have sex with him again
To quote from the article: "Unfortunately, when a man’s view of self depends upon the response he evokes in his partner, it may put tremendous pressure on the partner, and ignores the fact that healthy, pleasurable, mutual sexuality involves much more than just the man’s skill." YES! And that dynamic is exactly what we talk about and work on changing in my office.
And this last paragraph is a great one, worthy of some reflection:
"We can help change the script, and help men to reduce the degree to which they pressure their partners, in order to fill that aching fragile fear of being less of a man. But we can only help if we recognize that men didn’t choose to be this way. Understanding that “giving” orgasms is one way men build up their masculinity helps us to better empathize with men. It challenges us to consider the ways we “emasculate” men such that they must sometimes be so desperate to rebuild it."
Thanks, David Ley and Sari Van Anders.
I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist located in Sonoma county, California.