I concur with a lot in this article and research. I, too, notice in many of my straight male clients that they care very much if their female partners orgasm. This article and the associated research tell us there's a lot wrapped up in that experience for men when a woman comes:
- the man has an enhanced sense of his masculinity and confidence
- he thinks he's perceived as a skilled lover and therefore she might want to have sex with him again
To quote from the article: "Unfortunately, when a man’s view of self depends upon the response he evokes in his partner, it may put tremendous pressure on the partner, and ignores the fact that healthy, pleasurable, mutual sexuality involves much more than just the man’s skill." YES! And that dynamic is exactly what we talk about and work on changing in my office.
And this last paragraph is a great one, worthy of some reflection:
"We can help change the script, and help men to reduce the degree to which they pressure their partners, in order to fill that aching fragile fear of being less of a man. But we can only help if we recognize that men didn’t choose to be this way. Understanding that “giving” orgasms is one way men build up their masculinity helps us to better empathize with men. It challenges us to consider the ways we “emasculate” men such that they must sometimes be so desperate to rebuild it."
Thanks, David Ley and Sari Van Anders.
As I prepare for a presentation I'll be giving later this summer at a local retirement community on Sexuality and Intimacy While Aging, I am reminded of how much I enjoy working with older adults. This can be people 60, 70, or 80+ years old wanting to improve their sexual relationships. Once we get the obvious age difference addressed (theirs vs. mine) and set aside, I find these clients to be authentic, energetic, eager, wonderfully humorous, and hopeful about their sexual futures (all good things to bring to the bedroom, I might add). It doesn't come without its challenges, though, and as the saying goes, aging isn't for wimps. Sexuality in later life can be one of the best parts of a couple's relationship, a safe harbor where they can fully feel and share their aliveness and love for each other in the face of uncertainty. It is a joy for me to work with these clients.
Now here's a humorous and endearing video that may stretch your understanding about sex and aging!
I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist located in Sonoma county, California.