Yet in the absence of comprehensive sex education in our country, coupled with the inherent curiosity everyone seems to have about sex, I think it’s inevitable that some people look to porn to answer the questions they have about sex. Examples of those questions and curiosities can be:
“My body sexually functions a certain way - is that normal?” (And several of my clients know that the “n” word — “normal” — is not allowed to be said in my office because it’s a word predicated in shame)
“What do different shapes and sizes of bodies look like naked and sexually function like?”
“I’ve heard about or read about X but I’ve never seen it myself; in my imagination it turns me on. I wonder what that looks like.”
“I’ve always been turned on by and wanted to try Y yet I’ve never had a partner who expressed interest in doing it. Porn is where I get to experience Y.”
So much of porn is vicarious experiencing - of different bodies, activities, scenarios, and sexual appetites. It is fantasy brought to life. When we can understand and appreciate porn for this, then almost all of porn’s controversies practically disappear.
Let me also give mention the idea of ‘suspension of disbelief’, something I learned about as an undergrad when I took a few film classes. This phrase is often used to describe how viewers of film and television agree to follow along, so to speak, with the fictitious world they are watching. They stop thinking critically whether or not whatever is being portrayed can actually happen in real life - they are suspending (putting on hold) their disbelief (their doubts and skepticism) in order to join in with the fictional story. Doing this makes watching the story that much more fun for the viewer - gives us a greater, more intimate and emotional experience with the film or show. And this is precisely what art intends to do — give the consumer an emotional experience.
IMO, I think when people suspend their disbelief with porn and believe “it’s real” it’s because much of it does look so darn real. That’s precisely what porn producers are intending to do - making the viewer believe what we’re watching is really happening - and they go to great lengths to make the viewer believe. Believing this is actually happening, or could actually happen, can deepen the emotional investment for a viewer and thus give the viewer an even more enjoyable viewing experience. In online porn this translates to more clicks or pay per views. What is so interesting, however, is that we don’t seem to suspend our disbelief when it comes to animated/anime porn (a human-shaped cartoon character having sex with a unicorn for example). In that situation, we know with certainty it’s animated, we know it’s just make believe…so why can’t we understand that all porn is just make believe and enjoy it for the entertainment value it offers?
Because porn is about sex and we don’t know how to think critically about either porn or sex. There are common tropes in porn - like the pizza guy delivering a pizza and a beautiful, lusty woman answers the door. Do we *really* think this happens to every pizza delivery guy? Of course not. If we did, I can think of a few men I know who would quit their current jobs right now and go get a job delivering pizzas. Other, more noteworthy tropes in porn are: how women are always willing to have sex; how women don’t have any sexual boundaries or say “Ouch that hurts”; how men are always able to get an erection without an issue, maintain their erections, control when they orgasm, and demonstrate no anxiety about any of this/always appear confident; how everyone’s always so enthusiastic to have sex/no one’s tired or had a stressful day and just not in the mood for sex. I think you get the idea. Like I said, porn is fantasy.
And finally, a common critique of porn is that it leads to unrealistic expectations about sex and your partner. This is true ONLY IF you do not understand that porn is fantasy and entertainment. And it can also lead to unrealistic expectations about sex if your actual, real life sex life leaves you unfulfilled. But porn isn’t responsible for your sex life; you are.