“You’re not meeting my sexual needs.”
Have you ever thought this about or said this to someone else? Has anyone ever said this to you?
I have heard, and most likely will continue to hear, clients say this in my office. Either in an individual session about their partner or in a couples session to their partner. In a couples session, it generally becomes a high stress and high stakes moment because so many people interpret this statement to have negative implications within the context of whatever is going on in their sexual relationship. For example, it may be used to: complain about what one partner perceives to be the other partner’s deficiencies; ask (or threaten) to open the relationship; justify the decision to have an affair; or end the relationship all together.
This is a tough moment, no doubt about it. But IMO this language is misleading of their experience mainly due to folks not understanding themselves and having a consumeristic mindset. There are several things going on here, so settle in and let’s unpack it all.
First, the issue is when someone does not understand themselves. This is a common issue that people come to therapy for. For example, just the other day I asked a client the question, “What was behind that decision you made? What was going on for you to make that particular decision?” The client said, “I don’t really know.” And my response was, “That’s OK because that is what we are here to figure out!” So often people create really complicated sexual lives for themselves (and their partners) without examining their underlying motivation(s). Some folks have poor insight and struggle to make sense of their inner experience or are flat out scared to examine themselves. So in therapy we slow things down, get curious about what is going within them, and identify the thoughts and feelings that may drive their choices. We also look for patterns in thoughts, feelings, and themes, to (a) see if there are any and (b) if there are what does that mean. You know, ‘know thyself’ type stuff.
The second issue going on is about needs and wants. Generally speaking, many people confuse a need from a want. A need is a must-have, a requirement in order to live. Oxygen, food, water, shelter, safety, love and companionship, things like that. When the need is not met, a person generally deteriorates. By contrast, a want is a choice and I like to think of it as something that is added to or on top of a need. It falls into the category of “it would be nice to have.” For example, you need food because without it you will die; you want it to be tasty because that is pleasurable. If you have ever gone a long time without eating and then eventually do eat whatever food is available or given to you, you realize all foods are delicious - even the foods that you previously thought you disliked. Needs do not generally change over the course of your life, wants can and do change. That is part of what makes wants so interesting.
As I stated earlier, a problem in our complex 21st century life is that it has become increasingly difficult for many to distinguish between some needs and some wants. I believe capitalism, advertising, and consumerism have played a big role in our confusion about wants and needs. Is a cell phone a want or a need? It could be argued that it is now a need. But that sexy, slick, and fun commercial you just saw tried to convince you that you need the newest and most expensive iPhone in order to stay in touch with others - which you do not. That new iPhone with all the fun and cutting-edge features is a want. Is a car a want or a need? Depending on where you live, where you work, and where your family is located it could be a need - but you do not need a Tesla. That Tesla is a want. All reliable cars serve the same function: they get you from point A to point B. So I come back to my idea that a want is generally added to or on top of a need.
Third, where people, including mental health professionals, get confused is understanding an individual's reaction when a want is not met. Like I said, when a need goes unmet, a person generally deteriorates. However, when someone does not get what they want they may become grumpy or angry, irritable or impatient, slip into a low mood, or feel deep emotional pain. This is not the same as decompensating.
Fourth, in addition to making many of us confused about our wants vs. needs, the culture of capitalism and consumerism has also turned much of our wants and needs into commodities, things that are bought and sold, things that are exchanged. I need food - but where will I exchange my money and get my food, grocery store X or grocery store Y? Or let’s say I need a vacuum cleaner: I do my research, think about my budget, and then buy the vacuum cleaner that fits my criteria. I use it for a while but then it breaks. Since the vacuum cleaner stopped meeting my wants or needs and these days it is cheaper to just buy another one versus get it repaired, I throw it away and purchase a new one. When the very thing that meets a want or need has been commodified in this way, it is seen as only serving a function. Once it either serves its function or it breaks, it is time to move on. That want or need now has a transactional quality to it: I’m trading something (in this case of my vacuum cleaner, money) for a want or need to be met. And this perpetuates the consumeristic mindset, subconsciously commodifies our wants and needs, invites objectifiying the things (and people) that I think can meet them, and encourages throw-away culture. Yowza.
(BTW, my grandparents’ generation did not live in a consumeristic culture — when their vacuum cleaner broke they took it to get repaired at the vacuum cleaner repair store. They kept the vacuum cleaner and tried to fix it/make it better. Hmmm. Maybe that is a useful metaphor here and something we can learn from on several levels.)
Also, consumerism also creates feelings of entitlement - “I deserve that Tesla” is code for “I deserve to have my wants met.” Which on one level is true - I want all of us to get whatever it is that we want! Imagine that. The problem is, that is just not real life. In the real world there are plenty of times we do not get what we want, even when we want it really, really badly. And for many people that hurts like a MF and brings up all kinds of psychological issues. I am reminded of a quote by Jim Carrey that tells us that getting everything we think we want is, ultimately, insufficient: “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”
This is not to say I am critical of wants in general or specifically sexual wants. Hardly. Like I wrote before, I would love it if everyone got what they wanted. Getting what we want can be a means to personal growth, which I have written about before. I also firmly believe you have the right to want whatever you want, including in sex. What I want (ha!) you to do is own that it is a want, not a need. And to recognize that no one, including your partner, is required to meet your wants or needs. The fault is in expecting your partner to meet 100% of your wants or needs 100% of the time. And to also not demand or threaten that they must meet your wants and needs…or else. Because your partner has agency and autonomy to make decisions about their life just like you do. It becomes about practicing empathy, acceptance, and understanding more deeply the existential issues inherent in the interpersonal dynamics of relationships.
And finally, when it comes to sexual wants and needs, we tend to think of them as in a separate category. I can hear someone reading this and thinking “Well of course, Diane, I know that a new iPhone or Tesla is a want and not a need! But when it comes to my sex life, it’s different. If I do not get what I want sexually, it cuts so much deeper. It feels like my partner doesn't like me/has rejected me/has judged me/has shamed me.” And yep I have seen this happen for my clients. When partner A asks partner B for a sexual want and partner B judges or shames them for it or partner A perceives judgement or shaming, you bet it can just flatten partner A. However, I think that is about several things: for many people sex is an act of vulnerability, of revealing oneself to another, and risk-taking. So asking a partner to meet a want is like divulging a personal secret; it can be so private and intimate and it feels like so much is on the line that if it does not go according to expectation it is painful. But if your partner in fact judges or shames you for your sexual want, remember that is about them not you. And if your partner was not judging but you felt judged, you are practicing a type of cognitive distortion called emotional reasoning: “It feels like you’re judging me so you must be judging me.”
It is precisely this heady and murky convergence of mental, emotional, and sexual elements I just described that can lead a person to tell their partner “You are not meeting my sexual needs”. Because the pain is deep and the want is sincere it can easily be misunderstood if the person does not know themselves and they can default to certain socially-created scripts. It can have the person believe it is a need when it is probably a want. It is implying the want or need is a commodity to be traded in a transactional manner, and there is a sense of entitlement behind it. No wonder it is a high stress and high stakes moment for many couples - and their couples therapist. It is a rabbit hole that individuals and couples can easily fall down into. And in my experience if they hold tight to these damaging ways of thinking and relating it is impossible to climb out of that rabbit hole without harming each other and the relationship. Remember, you partner/relationship is not a vacuum cleaner, something you have in your life to serve a function and then get rid of/trade/get fixed in when it stops working.
The way through this high stress and high stakes moment is to make the conversation about the deeper experiences underneath the pain. The conversations and accusations are mistakenly about wants and unmet wants but they need to shift to being about assumptions (“Even though we never talked about it I just assumed you would do this for me”), disappointment and grief (“I’m disappointed and sad because my want is not being met”), and fear (“I’m afraid what will happen if I do not get my want”). The conversation needs to also be about how that partner copes when they feel disappointed, sad, or afraid. That comes back to the “know thyself” part. This is a multi-layered process: taking responsibility for your part (the assumptions, your feelings of disappointment, grief, sadness, and fear, and how you coped with them); then fully recognizing your partner has choice in the matter - when you ask for them to meet your want, they will decide if they want to do it. And once you can do these things, it becomes about practicing empathy for the both of you, acceptance of the both of you for wherever you are at, and understanding more deeply the existential issues inherent in the interpersonal dynamics of sexual relationships. And doing all this will probably bring up even more stuff.
Welcome to therapy.
We are finding ourselves in a horrible combination: fears about an unseeable contagion plus the need to socially and physically isolate from others. This is a brutal mixture for many because we often turn to other people to help lessen our anxiety: socializing with friends, going church or temple, time out in the world at restaurants, bar, clubs, shopping, and of course partnered sex. Most of those options are, for now, not possible, with the exception of sex (as long as you live with your sexual partner[s]). So where does that leave you and your libido?
Everyone is having different experiences when it comes to the impact of this moment in time on their libidos. Some, in the face of all this, are reporting that their libidos are increasing while others are reporting a decline or as someone described it to me “it's like it’s dropped off a cliff”.
In the last week I have seen several memes about how the quarantines/self-isolating/shelter-in-place orders have made some people more horny (like this one here). And I have been asked a few times how someone can cope sexually during this period of self-isolation or quarantine. In order to do that, let’s first talk about sex drive.
A person’s sex drive needs just enough anxiety/tension/uncertainty to get activated but not too much anxiety/tension/uncertainty or else the person can get overwhelmed, flooded, and then sex drive goes underground. Think of it like the Goldilocks principle: not too much (anxiety), not too little (anxiety), but just (the) right (amount of anxiety).
So maybe you are one of the ones who are finding that your libido has increased. Why might that be? Perhaps it is because there has been a refreshing twist in your usual daily/weekly routine; you are not spending mind-numbing hours commuting to work and that has enabled you to get more sleep; maybe you are working from home and therefore your usual work stress has diminished; maybe you are spending more time with your loved ones; maybe you are doing some creative projects; maybe sex and orgasm are a form of physical and psychological release for you; or maybe this pandemic has made you tap into your Eros energy. Eros was the Greek god of love, of creativity, of passion, and represented the life force. You might be one of the folks who is rising to the challenge with these unprecedented turn of events. Like I said, sexual energy needs just enough tension in order to flourish; you are feeling that tension and riding the waves. Jack Morin wrote about this in his book, “The Erotic Mind” — when there is an obstacle to overcome erotic energy can blossom. You are overcoming obstacles and feeling pretty darn good about it and yourself.
But maybe you are one of the ones who are finding that your libido has disappeared. Why might that be? Perhaps it is because you find yourself extremely worried about this contagious virus and what it might do in your community/country; maybe the stress of having the kids at home and adapting to distance learning has been hard; maybe you are preoccupied with your finances; maybe you are catastrophizing about the still-unknown future; or maybe the level of uncertainty you are experiencing is too much at times and you are having to do an immense amount of self care in order to just get through your day without falling apart. You find yourself in fight/flight/freeze often. Nevermind the constant need to adapt, adapt, adapt. Like I said, sexual energy needs just enough but not too much tension in order to flourish; you are feeling too much tension and uncertainty and your Eros energy has decided now’s not a good time and gone into hiding for now.
These are simply different ends of a spectrum. Or you may find yourself on one end of the spectrum one day and the other end the next day. That’s OK. There is no one right way to cope with what is happening and your sexual energy is coping just as much as you are. If you have an available sexual partner who is also feeling their Eros energy and open to sexual encounters during this time, I hope you are having a wonderful and wonderfully hot time together. And it is also OK to tell your partner “Not tonight, dear. I’m feeling too anxious about everything.”
But keep in mind what I repeatedly preach: touch is so powerful. Touch can help activate our parasympathetic nervous system, our “rest and digest” system, and that can calm our fight/flight/freeze response. Just make sure you communicate to your partner that you are wanting physical touch and not an erotic/sexual encounter. Hang in there. We will get through this.
I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist located in Sonoma county, California.