I was reminded of the phenomena of faking orgasm recently and the impact it can have. Mainly, when a person fakes an orgasm they're making the decision to lie to their sexual partner: they are pretending that they are experiencing pleasure when they in fact are not. Why would someone fake an orgasm? Sometimes a person fakes it for the sake of their partner's ego. A previous blog post of mine from June 30, 2017 expanded upon how a man's sense of himself can depend on the sexual response he evokes in his partner and how he wants to be seen as a skilled lover. Sometimes a person fakes it because they are disinterested in sex either just that night or all the time and faking it gets the act to end quickly.
If faking orgasm is part of a relationship, then that relationship is one not based in honesty and integrity and the next time the partners have sex, the faker often feels their partner now expects a similar performance. It's a terrible cycle to find yourself in and also just plain unsexy.
What's the solution? Sexual integrity. What do I mean by this? That your outsides accurately reflect your insides. So if inside you're feeling not into a sexual encounter, instead of faking an orgasm to get it over quickly have your external behavior accurately reflect this feeling of not being into it. You might say "Honey, I know you're really into this but I just am not tonight. Can we rain check this to another time when I'm more motivated?" Or you can say "Sweetie, I wasn't initially in the mood so I thought by doing stuff I'd get in the mood but it's just not happening for me tonight. Can we focus on your sexual pleasure instead?" Or you can say "I need to be honest with you because up until now I haven't. I have low sexual desire; always have. I haven't been able to tell you this because I really liked you in the beginning and I was afraid you'd break up with me over it. I love you and want us to be together. Let's talk about how we can manage our desire differences."
Practicing sexual honesty and integrity can be challenging. It means taking risks, being your real self, being vulnerable, not taking things personally, listening non-defensively, and a host of other skills grownups need to have for a fulfilling sex life.