“I feel like a teenager with this stuff.”

“I feel like I shouldn’t still be figuring this out at my age.”

I have heard my clients say these sorts of things about their sexual development. Whether it was a modest adult virgin learning about their body and their partner’s, or another client frustrated with themself for not knowing their body’s sexual response and what turns them on, these expressions of embarrassment and shame surround so many people’s interactions with their own sexuality which I hear almost every day through my Zoom screen.

And it is totally, completely, 100% to be expected.

I believe everyone raised in our culture has some aspect of their sexual development delayed or missing, even therapists and sex therapists. Our culture is still quite immature when it comes to understanding, honoring, and demonstrating the complexities of adult sexuality and sexual relationships. The fact that we are just now really grappling with consent on a societal level is proof of this—and we haven’t even gotten that totally right, because consent is not black or white; it is a nuanced and changing endeavor vulnerable to interpretation.

In a culture such as ours in which we do not value sexual discovery, only sexual mastery, the idea of learning about your sexuality and/or your partner’s sexuality or how to be in a sexual relationship is not (a) appreciated and (b) demonstrated practically anywhere. Another way to describe this idea is growth mindset vs. fixed mindset. When you try something new for the first time, do you expect to get it perfect? Of course not. That would be expecting mastery. So why do you approach sex with this assumption: Are you trying to be like the actors in porn? Does it feel too vulnerable to be in learner mode? Is your self-esteem tied to your sexual performance?

Even when sexual discovery is demonstrated in the media, it is usually portrayed with embarrassment, guilt, shame, awkwardness, and clumsiness, which then creates or reinforces such feelings as the ones my clients expressed above. What I so like about human sexuality is that, to borrow from Zen Buddhism, if you adopt a beginner’s mind about it, that mindset will benefit you more than you could possibly know. To have a beginner’s mind is to experience each moment with fresh eyes and without judgment, conditions, goals, or preconceived ideas — tough to do if you have ever seen any sort of media whatsoever. To have a beginner’s mind is to get curious and stay curious — even when your thoughts and feelings pull you into having a different experience.

Where people trip themselves up is when they expect sexual mastery. They make assumptions regarding something about sex, maybe based on a past experience or a past partner or what they have seen in porn or other media, but do not deal with what and who is directly in front of them: “Well, all my past sexual partners didn’t mind anal sex; why do you have an issue with it?” “All the women in porn seem to enjoy facials, what’s wrong with me because I don’t?” “I’ve never had a problem maintaining an erection before now so it must be because of my partner.” Nothing in sex is guaranteed — not erections, not orgasms, not getting everything you want, and certainly not pleasure. Your experience is your responsibility. You and your partner must take active steps to make anything enjoyable happen. You are not owed anything, not in life and not in sex. Once you understand this and begin practicing it in your sex life you will begin to grow up and stop feeling like a teenager.

The bottom line: Understanding your sexuality is a life-long journey and it changes over time. The things you learned about your sexual self as a teenager or young adult may no longer apply now that you have an adult or middle-aged body with some amount of experience and self-knowledge. This is a powerful point: Context matters. Sexuality does not happen in a vacuum and is not solely the result of biological processes. It can be, and is, impacted by many things. There’s a fluidity to it over the lifespan. And if you are lucky, you will be a sexual learner for the rest of your life.

We are finding ourselves in a horrible combination: fears about an unseeable contagion plus the need to socially and physically isolate from others.  This is a brutal mixture for many because we often turn to other people to help lessen our anxiety: socializing with friends, going church or temple, time out in the world at restaurants, bar, clubs, shopping, and of course partnered sex.  Most of those options are, for now, not possible, with the exception of sex (as long as you live with your sexual partner[s]).  So where does that leave you and your libido?


Everyone is having different experiences when it comes to the impact of this moment in time on their libidos.  Some, in the face of all this, are reporting that their libidos are increasing while others are reporting a decline or as someone described it to me “it's like it’s dropped off a cliff”.


In the last week I have seen several memes about how the quarantines/self-isolating/shelter-in-place orders have made some people more horny (like this one here).  And I have been asked a few times how someone can cope sexually during this period of self-isolation or quarantine.  In order to do that, let’s first talk about sex drive.


A person’s sex drive needs just enough anxiety/tension/uncertainty to get activated but not too much anxiety/tension/uncertainty or else the person can get overwhelmed, flooded, and then sex drive goes underground.  Think of it like the Goldilocks principle: not too much (anxiety), not too little (anxiety), but just (the) right (amount of anxiety).


So maybe you are one of the ones who are finding that your libido has increased.  Why might that be?  Perhaps it is because there has been a refreshing twist in your usual daily/weekly routine; you are not spending mind-numbing hours commuting to work and that has enabled you to get more sleep; maybe you are working from home and therefore your usual work stress has diminished; maybe you are spending more time with your loved ones; maybe you are doing some creative projects; maybe sex and orgasm are a form of physical and psychological release for you; or maybe this pandemic has made you tap into your Eros energy.  Eros was the Greek god of love, of creativity, of passion, and represented the life force.  You might be one of the folks who is rising to the challenge with these unprecedented turn of events.  Like I said, sexual energy needs just enough tension in order to flourish; you are feeling that tension and riding the waves.  Jack Morin wrote about this in his book, “The Erotic Mind” — when there is an obstacle to overcome erotic energy can blossom.  You are overcoming obstacles and feeling pretty darn good about it and yourself.


But maybe you are one of the ones who are finding that your libido has disappeared.  Why might that be?  Perhaps it is because you find yourself extremely worried about this contagious virus and what it might do in your community/country; maybe the stress of having the kids at home and adapting to distance learning has been hard; maybe you are preoccupied with your finances; maybe you are catastrophizing about the still-unknown future; or maybe the level of uncertainty you are experiencing is too much at times and you are having to do an immense amount of self care in order to just get through your day without falling apart.  You find yourself in fight/flight/freeze often.  Nevermind the constant need to adapt, adapt, adapt.  Like I said, sexual energy needs just enough but not too much tension in order to flourish; you are feeling too much tension and uncertainty and your Eros energy has decided now’s not a good time and gone into hiding for now.


These are simply different ends of a spectrum.  Or you may find yourself on one end of the spectrum one day and the other end the next day.  That’s OK.  There is no one right way to cope with what is happening and your sexual energy is coping just as much as you are.  If you have an available sexual partner who is also feeling their Eros energy and open to sexual encounters during this time, I hope you are having a wonderful and wonderfully hot time together.  And it is also OK to tell your partner “Not tonight, dear.  I’m feeling too anxious about everything.”


But keep in mind what I repeatedly preach: touch is so powerful. Touch can help activate our parasympathetic nervous system, our “rest and digest” system, and that can calm our fight/flight/freeze response.  Just make sure you communicate to your partner that you are wanting physical touch and not an erotic/sexual encounter.  Hang in there.  We will get through this.

Hi friends,

I have been using previous blog posts I've published here to start my Psychology Today blog.  I have written something new that I am sharing both there and here.  Read on...


Like fish swimming in water, we are swimming in sexual shame to the point where most of the time we are utterly oblivious to it.  No one is immune from sexual shame, not even medical and mental health professionals, and it can even happen within or by institutions.  Sometimes a person’s sexual shame is so ingrained and feels so much a part of their deepest self that they simply cannot imagine themselves without their shame.  Sexual shame is so ubiquitous that when someone or something does not evoke sexual shame and is actually “sex positive”, it can be a shock to the system and cause reactivity like discomfort, anxiety or fear, judgment, anger, threats, and sometimes even violence.  All of us have seen this before.  It's a difficult topic for many.  So let’s pause, take a breath, and look at shame more closely.

Shame is considered a “social emotion” vs. “basic emotions” like happy, sad, mad, glad and what that means is that it is learned via socialization (all the complexities of interacting with others) and through the transmission of group norms.  Whereas guilt can be described as “I feel bad because of something I did,” shame can be described as “I feel bad because of who I am” and examples are “I am unworthy” or “I feel unlovable.”  Shame originates from morality and when we are talking about morality we are talking about what we believe is “good” and "bad” or “right” and “wrong”.  Where do we learn good and bad, right and wrong from?  Things like our family, church, school, storytelling (like movies, TV shows, books), art (like music lyrics and music videos), video games, peers, and the legal system all have influence on our sexuality and specifically our sexual shame.  (Think about it: when one is charged with a crime in our legal system we plead “Guilty” or “Not guilty” and not “Ashamed” or “Not ashamed”.)

Unfortunately my profession has contributed to our culture’s sexual shame.  We have our own shameful history of getting it wrong when it comes to understanding and working with sexual issues.  “Treatments” have included shock treatments, castrations, torture, medications, lobotomies and most recently reparative and conversion therapy.  Dated theories and treatments focused on so-called abnormality and malfunction and are based on traditional relationships, assumptions, roles, and beliefs.  There has been an inability to see the influence of morality and shame on how we analyze (pathologize?) what sexual behavior is done, how much it is done, with whom it is done, and where it is done.  Even today, my profession marginalizes sex in most education and training environments and as a result many clinicians’ own personal sexual shame goes unexamined and unchecked as it relates to its impact on their work with their clients.  Therapists are humans swimming in sexual shame too and, just like our clients, are vulnerable to the same complex, contradictory, and confusing sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  That is why it is imperative that we collectively proceed with caution on the huge topic of our clients’ sexuality and not continue the traumatic legacy of harming those who have the courage to seek out our help.

Having said that, here are some examples of both the sexual shame a person may have or where it may have come from.  I hope these examples are helpful to you in identifying your own sexual shame.  We can have sexual shame:

• About bodies and/or genitals.  Think back to your sex education class(es) in school (if you had it).  Perhaps you watched a video of a baby being born, saw disembodied photos of genitals, or closeup pictures of acute STI flareups in a co-ed group while understandably immature students acted out, laughed, snickered, or made jokes without containment by the educator.  Additional examples are of sexual shame can be: “This body part of mine is too big” or “This body part of mine is not big enough” or “That body part and its secretions are gross.”
  

• About sexual acts and/or positions.  Examples include (1) Thinking or feeling P-V sex is “good” because it’s procreative/heteronormative whereas (2) Anal sex is “bad” because it’s dirty/dangerous, “is gay”, less than, or emasculating and/or does not result in procreation; (3) Foreplay/outercourse is less than or not sex and (4) Performing oral sex is humiliating.

• About pleasure.  Examples are: (1) Pleasure is dangerous/“What will happen if I experience too much pleasure?” This is a puritanical belief that pleasure is not to be trusted, and that we might lose control and go wild if we experience a lot of pleasure.  The emphasis and blame is placed on pleasure, not the individual.  This originates from religious or moral attitudes that denying the self of pleasure is virtuous and leads to moral or spiritual goals such as "I'm a good person".  (2) “I like X and I shouldn’t like X” or “I do X and I shouldn’t do X.” This is also a morality-based belief that there are acceptable and unacceptable things we should and should not sexually like or do.
  

• About fantasies and turn-ons.  For example: a self-described male feminist has the most powerful orgasms when he fantasizes about sexually degrading/raping a woman he knows and respects and he feels bad or ashamed about how this fantasy really turns him on.

All of these examples of sexual shame are learned. They came from somewhere.  You picked them up along the way.  And they can be embarrassing, confusing, or even downright scary to look at in yourself.  The good news is that since they were learned thankfully they can be unlearned.  However, that is no easy task, it doesn’t happen overnight, and takes courage to do.

And like our own individual psychologies, sex is full of contradictions and paradoxes!  That is what makes it so fascinating and gives it its edges.  There is no reason sex should be feared, thought of as dangerous, judged, or shamed.  In fact, your sexual shame is abundant material to explore in therapy.  You might learn to move past your judgment and shame and into radical acceptance, experiencing pleasure more fully, and inner peace.

When you study human sexuality, you inevitably study human morality systems.  How and why humans value what they value.  And I think this is part of the reason why studying human sexuality is so threatening to some: if we examine something like sexuality (that is so laden with values and has been for centuries) then there is the possibility of separating out each piece of that puzzle, re-evaluating each piece, maybe hearing new information, deciding what to do with that new information (i.e. allow it to affect our value or not), then there’s the possibility of those new conclusions not being in alignment with our current life, and the cognitive dissonance that comes with that situation.  Eeek, a scary prospect indeed.

Thanks to the work of Bill Stayton, a psychologist, sexologist, and Baptist minister, what I’ve learned is how human beings have three different value systems:

               - Acts-centered
               - Relationships-centered
               - The combination of acts-centered + relationships-centered

So let’s break this down.

Acts-centered value systems place an emphasis on acts or behaviors and believe that behaviors are choices.  Acts-centered value systems (ACVS) have clear delineations between what is “right” behaviorally and what is “wrong” behaviorally.  This is a black-or-white, straight-forward value system and way of relating in the world; you know what the limits are and what the consequences are if you do that “wrong” behavior.  It’s about rules and it’s all very clear.

Relationship-centered value systems place an emphasis on relationships: with yourself, with others, with society.  Relationship-centered value systems (RCVS) focus on identifying the motives (your relationship with yourself) and consequences (on yourself, on others, on society) of acts or behaviors and those motives and consequences determine if something is moral or immoral.  This value system requires some amount of gathering information and some amount of critical thinking skills and predicting.  RCVS believe context matters and that in one situation a behavior may be “good” while in another situation that same behavior may be “bad”.  This way of thinking is more gray and takes time to come to a decision.

A perfect example is Robin Hood.  Was he right or wrong to do what he did?  Yes he robbed, and with an ACVS this is “bad”.  But he robbed from the rich to help the poor, and in a RCVS this is “good”.

The combination value system borrows from these two other systems depending on the issue and the comfort with the “act” or behavior in question.  It’s even murkier than a RCVS.  It is generally confusing and it ebbs and flows.  On some issues you may be black-or-white while on others you explore the motives and consequences.

Despite what you may think about yourself or others, the combination value system is the value system held by most people.  For example when it comes to sexuality most people, or so it seems, seem to be acts-centered on things like pedophilia and bestiality — they have clear, straight-forward opinions about it being “wrong” (whatever their reason).  Laws have been created to support this way of thinking on these two issues.  While at the same time those same people might be relationship-based on another sexual issue.

So now let’s apply these and take an example straight from current events…abortion.  First, let’s all take a deep, deep breath.  It’s a heated topic right now and one that, IMO, maybe we can work to bridge the divide if we slow down and better understand ourselves and our perceived opponents.

The ACVS approach to the issue of abortion is: those people that are anti-abortion believe that abortion is “wrong”.  These folks are basing this on their belief that life begins at conception and therefore ending that life via abortion is an act akin to murder so therefore this act is “wrong”.  Remember, to those with this value system acts are choices so you can choose to act or not act — meaning you can choose to have an abortion or not have an abortion.  If you choose to not act, then you are not “wrong” but if you choose to act and have an abortion, then you are “wrong”.  Those people who have a RCVS ponder the dilemma of an unwanted pregnancy and look at the relationships with and consequences to those involved: what was the relationship between those two people who had sex and caused the pregnancy?  Why is it an unwanted pregnancy (i.e. violence or trauma like rape or incest)?  What are the consequences if the pregnant woman brings the pregnancy to term or terminates?  What are the consequences if government bans abortion full stop?  This is where factors like consent, ages of those involved, access to health care, financial means of support, the role of public school sex education, etc. come into play for the RCVS folks.

One “side” is focused on the behavior/act itself while the other “side” is focused on motive/cause and consequences.  One “side” frames their position as “pro-life” because they value the life that they believe was just created while the other “side” frames their position as “pro-choice” because they value examining the consequences of a choice.  These are two entirely different and separate aspects of the same abortion issue.  They are not addressing the other "side's" assertions.  Why aren’t the ACVS folks talking about the motives and consequences of an unwanted pregnancy?  Some actually are: those who say abortion is permissible if it was caused by rape or incest.  And actually, if someone believes that then I would argue theirs is a combination value system on abortion and solely ACVS.  And why aren’t the RCVS folks talking about when life begins?  No one is listening to “the other side”, that “other side” feels it, and when we feel not heard we usually talk louder, assert our position more unkindly, and get into a fight.  On top of it all, emotions naturally run high on an issue like this.  So things stay contentious, the divide between the “sides” remains deep and wide, and the impasse unfortunately calcifies.

This so reminds me of high conflict couples; it’s really not that different.  Any good couples therapist would teach a high-conflict couple the importance of understanding.  That understanding your partner’s “side” does not equal endorsing or agreeing with “their side” and it does not diminish “your side”.  It simply means understanding their perspective, why they believe what they do, while holding on to “your side”.  Unfortunately many people are defended against understanding their partner; it’s somehow threatening because it requires vulnerability (a.k.a. putting our shields down).  But when we understand our partner it can lead to a more respectful dialogue and maybe, just maybe, finding a middle ground.  This is what is desperately needed in today’s cultural and political climate.  Acting — and listening — respectfully to our perceived opponent requires good self-management skills.  I know that’s a big ask but I believe we can do it.

I’ve thought for a long time that Washington needs couples therapy.  And so maybe this blog can help you look at this issue, and maybe other issues, and your so-called opponent, with a little more insight, understanding, and calm.  IMO it’s the only civil way through this.​